I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I can't put those talents on a resume
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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