ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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