I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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