I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
