he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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