No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
