Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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