So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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