I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
