the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
