Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
