he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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