Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
