Im at strip club and am horny
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
