When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
