i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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