I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
