Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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