Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
