May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I touched a dick in church today
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
