Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
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And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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