I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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