from now on my penis is your penis
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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