I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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