Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
pray to the hookup gods
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
