none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
