i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
