Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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