I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
