FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The uberlube is also flammable
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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