Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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