So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
