What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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