i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
