he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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