just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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