i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
