if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
