If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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