Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
