Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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