Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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