May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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