Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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