I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
