I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
