EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
