Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
