So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
