Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
