I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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