Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
