she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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