Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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