you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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