guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
