I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
