why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
