I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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