i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
