Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
