Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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